Three times in the following years I tried to tell myself, “This is ridiculous. I have a female body. I am a woman. What’s wrong with me that I can’t live like a woman?” I took all my guy clothes, put them in a locked footlocker, put the footlocker in the basement, and swore to myself that I would live like a woman. The third time I did so, I believed it was the will of God. Each time I tried this, I found myself in so much pain I could not continue. After the third time, I concluded that I am who I am and there is nothing wrong with me.
In the 90s I began to encounter transsexuality in the media, mostly in a negative way. Still, I began to tell some of my closest friends. They were sympathetic.
When I was 60, I began work with a new therapist. I realized that for all the therapy I had over the years, I never made being a transsexual the focus of my work. I began to revisit my decision not to transition.
Then in 2001 the city of San Francisco handed down a ruling that all health providers for city employees and retirees had to include health benefits for transsexuals. That included hormones and surgery. It was in the headlines and on TV. For the first time in my life I saw transsexuality being looked upon in a positive light. It made me feel safe to come out.
I made an appointment with a specialist. I told her I am like a race horse who has been at the gate for 60 years. I don’t want to wait any longer. Within 6 months I had started the process of transition. I started testosterone, had my first surgery, and legally changed my name. I have never looked back.
So what is it like being a trans elder? I remember the day a friend working with trans elders told me that some elders were transitioning back. At first I could not figure out why. Then it hit me. At that time most trans elders would not have had genital surgery. Some didn’t want it. But most of those who did want it could not afford it. I realized that the older one gets, the more likely one is to be in a 24-hour care facility where there may be personnel who are shocked or otherwise don’t know how to deal with a person whose expressed gender does not match their genitals. Much has changed since then, but for elders, surgery is a much bigger decision than for younger folks. And I would guess that a large percentage of trans elders have not had genital surgery.
Another issue is appropriate medical care. It has been increasingly realized that there are significant differences between men and women with regard to health. Trans men and women haven’t been part of the medical system long enough for there to have been significant studies about how hormone treatment affects things like heart disease and other gender-related health-care issues.
Today we live in a world that has come a long way, but not so far that trans
folk don’t worry about how they will be accepted in retirement communities. Thus it was that when I joined Ashby Village I became increasingly aware that there seemed to be silence around the fact that surely our membership includes LGBT folks. It especially came home when I was giving a ride to a member and as we passed the Pacific Center (Northern California’s oldest LGBT center) I pointed it out to him. I had no idea whether he would say, “What’s that?” or shrug his shoulders or comment. Comment he did, and we got into a lengthy discussion that included his observation that being straight is the default assumption of people in the Village.
I decided it was time to act and brought my concern to Andrea Mok, who got very excited and invited me to a meeting to discuss the matter. The result is a new interest group in the Village for LGBTQQA (Q for queer, 2nd Q for questioning and A for allies). We have had several meetings so far and would like to get some activities going in the Village that shine a light on the inclusion in our membership of LGBTQQA folks. Anyone who is interested, LGBTQQA or straight, is welcome. Look for the rainbow flag in the newsletter for dates and locations.
Steve and other Village members have formed an LGBTQQA Interest Group to have more visibility and increased community participation. Everyone is welcome, regardless of sexual orientation. You can contact Steve at stevetoby@comcast.net.