The Missing Piece
Photographer Nancy Rubin
Writer Sarah Hawthorne
Sometimes a story is about what’s missing, like building a jigsaw puzzle from the outside inward to discover the center.
When Don Foley and Marion Anderson stand side by side, they are both tall, slender, and somewhat formal, at least in the beginning. Cookies and a pitcher of cold water are set out, with introductions made all around.
At age 96 when Don joined Ashby Village, he still drove a Toyota and had a valid driver’s license. Independence and automobiles are featured in many of Don’s best memories. He remembers his family’s first car in 1926 – a Willys Whippet – and his excitement when he got his first driver’s license at age 16. So it was not easy for Don to decide the time had come to let his driver’s license expire and to donate his car to KQED. Fortunately the transition from driver to passenger was eased by Ashby Village volunteers.
Ashby Village Med-Pal volunteer/member Marion Anderson gave Don his first ride and thereafter drove Don and/or Katharine some 30 rides all carefully recorded. Don finally gave up keeping track of his Ashby Village rides, but estimates he’s gotten another 20 “unrecorded” rides from Marion. Marion laughs that if she is ever audited by the Internal Revenue Service, she will count on Don’s records to document her volunteer work for Ashby Village. In addition to both being somewhat reserved, both have a very practical nature. Discovering they shared the same audiologist, Don and Marion began coordinating their audiology appointments in tandem on the same day at Kaiser Oakland Hearing Center.
Initially driving Don with his wife Katharine to her medical appointments, Marion continued driving Don alone to his own medical appointments after Katharine’s recent death in January 2015, after 74 years of marriage. On this particular sunny afternoon, reflecting on why he and Marion are so comfortable in each other’s presence, Don says softly “Marion and I have a grief we’re sharing – a quiet respect for what has occurred for both of us.” Marion shares that her partner Ashby Village member Peter Franklin died in October 2013, so the two of them share an unspoken empathy and understanding about what the other is going through after the loss of a loved one.
Asking if we have seen the family photographs attached to the refrigerator door, Don draws attention to one showing his wife Katharine playing tennis. He makes sure we know that the fact Katharine beat him at tennis on their first date was one of the things that attracted him to her. He chuckles in telling how his wife Katharine acquired the lifelong nickname “Taddy” from having asked at age five whether she was a tadpole. Don is grateful that his wife Katharine’s desire not to have life sustained through extraordinary medical intervention was honored and that she was able to spend her last days in her own home surrounded by loved ones.
Following up on Don’s description of Katharine’s last days, Marion comments on how much Marion values Compassion and Choices, which is partnering with Ashby Village to raise awareness about end of life decision-making. She mentions the Mid-landish neighborhood group to which both she and Don belong, is hosting a “Final Exit” lecture/discussion.
Throughout the conversation, most of the time Marion listens quietly but closely, responsive to any request that Don makes. She does not interject about herself, unless directly asked. Watching her attentiveness to Don’s needs, it is no surprise to learn her lifework has been focused on the care of others. Describing herself as a “nurse with a Ph.D”, Marion has over 20 years experience doing database health research for large medical systems such as UCSF, HealthNet, and Kaiser Permanente, answering the question “Did people get the care they needed when they needed it?”
After her retirement, Marion became a leader in the Med-Pal Program at Ashby Village. (The Med-Pal program provides members with more than a ride to medical appointments, but also someone to go with the member to listen to what the doctor is saying, take notes, and ask helpful questions.) Other Ashby Village activities Marion enjoys are yoga and lectures. She’s often at the First Friday happy hour. She also enjoys singing with the San Francisco Choral Society, and is on the waiting list to join the Berkeley Community Chorus. Visualizing Marion singing in harmony with others is easy to do.
Whatever the subject under discussion, Don has a way of bringing it back to his recently passed wife, as he points to the many things in the living room that were part of their life together, from the quilt hanging behind him that Katharine sewed together from pieces of shirt fabric, to the various displays of artistic photographs taken by Katharine, to the unfinished puzzles on the table where he and Catherine spent hours.
Puzzles are one of the ways Don’s methodical approach to problem-solving is evident, as he keeps a ruler handy for measuring progress. The ruler, well placed, also serves as a barrier to keep the puzzle pieces from falling off the edge of the table.
Don’s talent at tracking detail has taken many directions including an interest in genealogy. Explaining how he ended up doing a genealogy study on Marion’s family (with the interesting discovery that Marion’s Swedish Mormon grandmother was from Idaho!), Don pipes up “I was nose-y!” Marion quickly counters firmly that he simply offered, and she was glad to accept.
Don’s appreciation for the nuances of how things relate to each other is reflected in his career choices. Don joined the Department of City and Regional Planning on the Berkeley campus in 1953. He then spent 27 rewarding years, retiring in 1979. He mainly worked with students earning the Master of City Planning degree and, later, also with students earning the Ph.D. degree. He and Katharine and some of their children spent 4 wonderful sabbaticals in London. Don produced two books about London planning and London metropolitan government.
This month is Don’s 99th birthday. Looking back over his lifetime, Don recalls all the technology “firsts” he has seen: first radio, first telephone, first movie, first sound movie, first television, first computer, and all the changes in cars.
Asked how he wants to celebrate his centennial birthday next year, always low key, Don responds “if I’m still here” what he would most enjoy is simply having a family reunion with his three children, eight grandchildren, and five great grandchildren. Asked about cake, he concedes “Cake is good.” What’s his favorite kind of cake? (pause) What about chocolate? “Chocolate will do.”
What does matter is that Katharine will not be there.